This month the PDBA has a theme of Emotionality and Spirituality in Dance. Man, I was stoked. This is my thing – my passion for the last few years! And then, nothing. No compelling sense that I wanted to share my story or inspire yours. Something’s here that’s been coming for a while and I don’t know what to do with it. Apathy.
When I started my pole journey (on Wednesday it will be 3 years exactly) I was searching hard for something. It doesn’t matter right now what it was, just that I was actively searching. When I found Aerosha and learned that it offered an emotional journey as well as a physical one. Well, what a ride that was. The last 3 years have included such highs and lows. My dance was a craving of my soul to express everything that my mind couldn’t. EVERY dance was passionate. EVERY dance was healing.
Then, sometime in August one of my therapists provoked a shift in me. One that I’d desperately wanted. But instead of getting the result I expected, I just got something different. I was “Ugh” and I wanted “YAY!” but what I got was “okay.” And that’s better than Ugh, trust me. But while I accepted (if not relished) the placidity in my daily life it confused me in my dance. I lost all passion. My dance now isn’t quite academic – I’ve always been a “blackout” dancer and don’t actually plan moves, rather letting my body control everything. But now, instead of my body driving a cathartic emotional release it’s just dancing. Oh it feels good, of course, but the healing element isn’t there. Does that mean I’m healed and just don’t need that? Pfft. I think it means it’s time for another shift.
Obviously my blog has also suffered for this apathy. Last month was the first time in over a year that I missed a blog hop for my group and though I was incredibly busy with life events I admit that if my passion was still strong I’d have found a way. I don’t know what that means. I’m trying to not force myself to do “better” or even to “move on” from blogging and just ride it out to see what happens. (This is harder than you might imagine for me.)
Tomorrow I’m hosting a live Google Hangout with Bernadette Pleasant and anyone else who wants to join the conversation, regarding Emotionality and Spirituality in dance. It’ll also stream to YouTube. I hope for just one hour I can tap into all my deeply connected feelings on the topic and bring out the best in everyone. I miss that.