I’ve decided to share a non-pole focused post. Pole is more incidental this time.
If you’ve been reading here recently you know that I’ve had some trouble with my wrists and through acupuncture they have improved dramatically. They’re still not 100% but actually quite close. That’s relevant because it’s my acupuncturist who was instrumental in this story and I’d have never started seeing her if I wasn’t so desperate.
On Wednesday I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist. The heat test showed much improvement over the last two weeks when she did some work. There are still some areas that aren’t responding optimally and I may go back to see her in three weeks depending on how I’m feeling. Frankly I’d go constantly if it was cheaper. I’m now a believer in electrical work. Here’s where things get a bit weird. What she notices and feels compelled to focus on is that I’m too self-critical and full of guilt. I don’t FEEL extra self-critical – only the same as I always am, which it turns out might be much higher than is healthy. I don’t FEEL full of guilt – only a “normal” amount for me (with the possible exception of the issue for which I am seeing my therapist), again which apparently is way higher than necessary. Sitting there I think to myself “I don’t know what to do with that. How do I stop that?” She gave me a book to read that outlined metaphysical reasons for pain/illness, such as pain in the upper back means you carry too much of the weight of the world and don’t feel supported. I didn’t believe in that, but I hadn’t believed in acupuncture either. That was Wednesday.
On Thursday I saw my therapist. I’m not ready to talk about why I initially started seeing her three months ago, but I want to share this interesting bit. First, I asked her if she believed in metaphysical manifestation. She said she was torn on the issue because logically she resists it but she has the book that was recommended to me and every single time she has a pain and looks it up it’s accurate. So we started our discussions – I was hurt/offended by someone recently and we were talking about ways for me to better express that. She wanted to demonstrate a good discussion technique and so she was acting as me. As Angela, she said “You called me a name and it really hurt.” (By the way, name-calling was not my specific issue, she chose that as a random example.) Before she could finish her second sentence I started crying. Of course she stopped to let me process that a minute then she asked why I’d cried. I had to think about it to put into words that although I knew she was being me and not herself, and although I’ve never said a bad word about her, I felt like I – Angela – had hurt her deeply and it crushed me. Apparently I could not distinguish that it was an exercise. What she noticed was that I was full of guilt. Again, what do I do with that? I don’t know how to just turn that off, especially if I’m not sure why. She assured me we’d work through it.
On Friday we had dinner with friends. While in the kitchen talking about having people over for dinner, she said “you are way too hard on yourself.” I honestly don’t think I said anything to prompt that exact response. I think that was the universe confirming that I need to listen up.
Yesterday I saw my massage therapist (is it a fluke that I had all my therapists in one week??). She is a holistic practitioner and I shared these stories with her as I was telling her about some excessive pain I’ve had in my foot and back this week. It turns out she has an office mate who is working on some certification in energy work and is offering free sessions. So I’m going to try it out. Maybe my Qi (Chi, life force, energy, soul) can be healed enough that the universe can quit yelling at me. Then maybe I’ll quit holding back in pole so much, too.
Note: please feel free to replace ‘universe’ with ‘God’ if you you prefer to see the massive, cohesive, force that is bigger than all of us is that way. I think if something or someone is sending me a message, it’s still worth listening to, whether I understand that energy or not.